The Other Side Of The Pulpit: marriage

Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Grace after it ends badly

Grace for men after the relationship ends badly: http://youtu.be/QYRJe7v13p8

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Circles of influence

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWL_CBkt5rE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

THE 4 LEGS OF MARRIAGE

THE 4 LEGS OF MARRIAGE

By Mark Driscoll

The next time you sit in a chair with four legs, consider how unstable it would be with only one, two, or three legs.

Marriage is like that. For a marriage to be stable, secure, and solid, it needs four legs. Anything less, and the marriage starts to fall over and crash.

Grace and I are very honored and excited to be teaching at the Real Marriage event tonight and tomorrow. We don’t pretend to have gotten it all right the first time, but we do find great joy in helping both singles and couples prepare for married life.

For a marriage to be stable, secure, and solid, it needs four legs.

Over the years, we’ve done a number of marriage events, but with five kids, a church, and the demands of life we just cannot spend much time away from home, even though we want to help as many people as we can. Subsequently, we are thankful for the opportunity that technology provides to serve people in any place from one place.

In addition to fielding live questions during the event from people joining us live and online, we will be teaching four sessions, talking about couples as worshipers, lovers, friends, and legacy-makers. These are the four proverbial legs on the chair.

1. WORSHIPERS

The foundation of everything, including marriage, is worship. It cannot be overstated how vital it is that a couple approaching marriage or in marriage worship God together, because your marriage exists ultimately for God’s glory.

However, Satan attacks marriage and has since the beginning. In fact, the Bible opens with a wedding and quickly moves to a war, as Satan did not even show up until after our first parents were married. The reason that Satan so hates Christian marriage is because it is supposed to be a reflection of the gospel, since Jesus loves the church like a groom loves his bride. However, when the Enemy shows up, it is not uncommon for a couple to forget his work and think that their spouse is their enemy, rather than remembering that their spouse is their ally in a war against their Enemy.

The foundation of everything, including marriage, is worship.

Because we both are worshipers and sinners, we are prone to be idolaters. When this happens, a good thing (like marriage or a spouse) becomes a god thing, which is a bad thing. Marriage is not heaven. Your spouse is not your savior. And if the glory goes to the husband or the wife instead of Jesus, it will crush them, because it is too heavy to endure.

On a scale of 1–10, how are you and your spouse or fiancé as worshipers?

2. LOVERS

Before sin entered the world, there was sex. It was without sin and without shame (Gen. 2:18–25). In God’s design, marriage is for one man and one woman. And your standard of beauty is supposed to be your spouse, which helps safeguard against coveting, lusting, and adulterating.

Once sin enters the world, sex is prone to be seen as a god or gross.

Those who see sex as a god are consumed by it, addicted to it, and ruled by it. Pornography is fuel for this forest fire that is burning down marriages at an unprecedented rate. Sex as God is dominant in the world.

Marriage is not heaven. Your spouse is not your savior.

Those who see sex as gross are often thinking about how gross “sex as god” is, but they forget sex as the real God intended it and redeemed it. Sex as gross is dominant in the church.

The answer to sex as god or gross is to see sex as a gift (1 Cor. 7:3–5). God gives us this gift for a variety of reasons, including pleasure, children, knowledge, protection, comfort, and oneness.

On a scale of 1–10, how are you and your spouse as lovers?

3. FRIENDS

To say that God is Trinitarian is to say that God is a Friend who has Friends. To say that we were made in God’s image is to say that we were made to be a friend and have friends. This is why, even though sin had not yet entered the world, God said it was not good for us to be alone (Gen. 2:18). His answer for our loneliness was a friend called a spouse.

This concept is almost entirely missing in every one of the 187 marriage books that Grace and I opened in preparation for writingReal Marriage. However, we believe that friendship is incredibly vital to marriage. This concept of friendship, and what it is and is not, has transformed our marriage. We often stress to our children, singles in our church, and married couples we know that friendship with your spouse (or potential spouse) is absolutely essential. A friendship is like a garden: it has to be planted, tended, nourished, and weeded for it to be fruitful and alive.

On a scale of 1–10, how are you and your spouse or fiancé as friends?

4. LEGACY-MAKERS

The first day of marriage is incredibly important. But the last day of marriage is the most important.

Will you still be married? Will you be friends? Will you look back on your life with your spouse smiling or weeping?

Proverbs 13:22 says, “A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children” (NIV). What kind of legacy will you leave maritally, spiritually, and financially? Do you have a plan to leave a godly legacy?

A friendship is like a garden: it has to be planted, tended, nourished, and weeded for it to be fruitful and alive.

There are days in every marriage where we are ready to throw our hands in the air, throw our towel in the ring, and throw wisdom to the side. On those days when folly is near, we need to keep wisdom on our horizon and keep walking toward the future that God has given us a vision for.

On a scale of 1–10, how are you and your spouse or fiancé as legacy-makers?

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Happy singles awareness day

Today I'm not going be deep and socially relevent. Not going to be empowering and informative.  Today is going to be unedited and raw....

How I really feel about February 14th....Valentine's day. (Buckle up, I've got a new soapbox!)

First I'll address those who continue to believe that my broken engagement years ago left me bitter against women. Actually I'm far from that. All I have is daughters. Wouldn't be a good stance for a father of girls to be bitter against women. I'm honest with the fact that I trust men far more easily than I do women.

That is due to my experience that the men I've encountered are far more likely to admit and own their failures than women.

By in large, IN MY EXPERIENCE, men are more honest ABOUT THEMSELVES than women are. They just aren't likely to share that honest picture with women....but that's another post.

Along with christmas, thanksgiving and all of the rest of holidays...I really REALLY detest the feeling of being taken advantage of.

No holiday "pimps" the wallets of Americans like Valentine's day. I won't go through the disgusting origins of Valentine's Day and the church's sickening canonization of the celebration (I'll post the YouTube video below if you care to know the true origins). But the modern western treatment of the day boils down to this:

we (corporate america) need a way to recover quicker from the slow 1st quarter profits of the year. So let's create a holiday; condition the gullible western female who is starved for validation to believe that her value to her mate is solely dependant on the expression of "love" he displays on that holiday...and then let's give him all sorts of choices/opportunities to fork over their hard earned money we want and give him a way to avoid putting forth any effort and purchase her adoration.

Yup, the correct terminology is "pimped".

Western women are whored out by the florists, card companies, restaurants, hotels, clubs, chocolatiers, Victoria ' s secret, spas, salons, limo companies.....

And the western men pay corporate america for permission to romance the women they already have as wives and significant others.

Yup women.....Hallmark, godiva, whitmans, proflowers, victorias secret, and FTD are YOUR PIMPS!

And for one day, you husbands and boyfirends are just a "trick".

And February 15th, they kick you out of the corporate brothel to go home to your "john".

(Oops, is that Olivia pope on the curb again pulling up her panties?)

I, personally vow, if I ever marry...I will never let corporate America treat my beloved as a whore and a hooker once a year. We will never buy into paying 110% above retail for flowers, hotels, and the rest of that bologna. We will stick it to corporate America by celebrating our love the other 364 days a year.....at sale price....and pimp the corrupt system.

Now being single, I am celebrating the beautiful magnificent bliss of doing everything I want all day today! The TV is permanently stuck on ESPN....no oprah, no Gilmore girls, no lifetime....Spike tv and EPSN! No chocolate covered strawberries.....Just Pizza and Beer. Nachos. Steak and cheese subs. And I'll be taking that pedicure and manicure.....by a female...please and thank you! Hot stone massage....for me....oh wait, I just lay here, feel magnificent and it's never your turn?! Yippeee! And cap it all off with a lazy QUIET soak in a bubble filled jacuzzi! With Bach and Chopin playing in the background....no love songs...no trey songz....Keith sweat...Celine dion....actually beautiful music.

Now that's happy singles awareness day!

Now we will return you to your regularly scheduled frantic Valentine's Day malarky!

Here's the link to the truth about valentines day origin:

<a>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy4KweX4CjY&feature=youtube_gdata_player</a>

The Better Sex

       One of my magazine contributors published this article a few weeks ago and I thought it would be beneficial to those who don't subscribe to any of my publications. She shares her own personal experiences and benefits of Pilates which I am also embarking on due to my obsessive compulsion to have a great body well into my 90s.
 
(I provided scriptures for the uptight, medicretional religious types that avoid any conversation about sex or exercise like they avoid the gym...btw, I'm a christian and they irritate me too!)

Hebrews 13:4 - "Marriage [is] honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: "

1 Corinthians 6:19 - "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?"

1 Corinthians 7:4-14 (NKJV)
4 "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.5 Do not deprive one another..."

The Better Sex Exercise

by Taylor Oakes

Pilates can rev your sex life. Many of the practice’s poses target the muscles women rely on between the sheets—hip flexors, glutes, inner and outer thighs, and core. Pilates strengthens these key spots, enhancing your endurance, stability, and flexibility, all of which help to control your body so you can find and maintain the positions that feel best.

I started doing pilates about 8 years ago. I started initially in hopes of combating the pain and misalignment from my scoliosis. I was young though and my mind definitely wasn’t super focused on my health and fitness – so I didn’t take it too seriously.

As I let my fitness slip, my back started to worsen. I couldn’t sleep at night & I never felt “straight”. I always joked around and told my friends I was squiggly…but it wasn’t far from the truth. It really hit me when it actually started effecting my sex life. My hips would be so out of line that certain movements would legitimately knock the wind out of me from the inside out.

And nothing is sexier than being doubled over in pain, trying not to throw up.

That year I really accepted that though my scoliosis didn’t require surgery, it was severe enough to change my day to day life, it’s life long….and I shouldn’t ignore it any more. So I stopped.

I’ve never been a huge fan of fitness, largely because of feeling “squiggly”. When your hips and shoulders and back aren’t lined up, everything feels wrong. Running feels like I’m skipping because I can feel a difference between landing on my left foot and my right. Lifting weights made me feel like my shoulders were going to fly off because of the hyper mobility in my joints. For a long time I had various personal trainers who would try and help me exercise traditionally – but they didn’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, they understood I had limitations – but didn’t understand that struggling to do flies with 5lb weights just wasn’t for me – my body needed something different.

I turned to focusing on pilates and 6 years later I’ve never looked back. I was able to go slow, but still get an incredible burn. The security in the movements and design of the equipment allowed me to build muscle I never though I could.

And as an added little bonus, it really improved my sex life. Not only am I pain free, but I’m strong. You see those people hanging from the machines that somewhat resemble medieval torture devices? Ya well…that translates.

I don’t say that as some sort of “flexibility” entendre (well..maybe a little) – but more so that your core is constantly working and strengthening – and so your pelvic floor is as well. And if you have no idea what that is or how it applies, lady you’ve got some googling to do.

“Where’s the freaking work out?”

Sorry, sorry…I rambled. Okay so not everyone has access to pilates reformers and cadilacs and the other crazy/awesome machines – but that doesn’t mean you can’t do these moves at home! So here are some fabulous at-home pilates exercises that will give you a great burn and actually improve your sex life.

Quick Definitions: Neutral Spine vs. Imprinted Spine

1) Shoulder Bridge

This is #1 on my list for a reason. It seems super simple, and it is, but also incredibly effective and versatile.
Lie on your back in neutral spine, with your knees bent and feet on the floor. Your legs are hip distance and parallel. Your arms are extended along your sides. Press the backs of your arms into the mat. Inhale: Press down through your feet to lengthen your spine and press you hips up. Come to a bridge position on your shoulders with your knees, hips and shoulders in one line. Exhale: and lower down – returning to neutral spine. That’s one rep. (Yes it does look like you’re humping the air. So if you feel slightly embarrassed – you’re probably doing it right)

2) One Legged Bridge

Following the same steps as above, laying in neutral spine, you will bring one leg up into a table top position. Keeping one foot planted on the floor and the other leg at 90 degrees, rise up into that bridge position on the inhale and lower down on the exhale. Repeat for both legs.

2b) One-Legged Bridge Modification

Following the same steps as above, laying in neutral spine, you will straighten one leg so that it is parallel to the floor. For added tension, place a ball between your knees and squeeze. Keeping one foot planted on the floor and the other fully extended, rise up into that bridge position on the inhale and lower down on the exhale. Repeat for both legs.

3) Hamstring Curl

Start by lying flat on your back with an exercise ball under your heels. Bridge your hips up and hold that position through the entire exercise. Flex your feet and dig your heels into the ball. Place your arms straight out to your side for support — don’t use them, though; they are just for support. Slowly roll the ball toward your body as you curl your heels. Keep your hips in the bridge position; don’t thrust them toward the ceiling as you do the move. Then slowly return to the start position (straight legs, hips bridged) to complete one rep

4) Straight Leg Bridge

Start by lying on your back with your feet on the ball. You want your legs to be straight and the ball to be under your heels. Inhale as you rock your pelvis towards your tailbone, and then exhale as you engage your lower abdomen and rock the pelvis towards the belly button. Then continue to lift the pelvis into the air one vertebra at a time until you are resting on your head neck and shoulders. Inhale at the top and then exhale as you lower your spine to the ground releasing each vertebra individually.

5) The Clam

Lie on one side with knees bent. Place your bottom hand underneath your head for support, and your top hand just in front of your chest. “Clamp” your feet together (like a clam – or a hinge) and slowly open and close your top knee while keeping your heels in contact. Focus on making sure the rest of your body remains completely still and stable.

6) Roll Ups

Lie with your legs straight, feet flexed, and arms extended above your chest. Keeping your arms straight, brace your core and slowly roll your shoulders and upper body off the ground, lifting one vertebra at a time, until you’re sitting up. Bring your chin to your chest and slowly roll back down to start. That’s one rep.

7) Teaser

This can be a more advanced move, depending on where you are with your overall fitness & core strength. So I’ve included three levels.

Beginner: Lie on your back with knees bent to a 90-degree angle & arms extended overhead. Tighten your abs as you inhale and lift arms up and over head. Exhale and swing arms forward. Pause at the top before exhaling and lowering into the original position. That’s one rep

Intermediate: Lie on your back with knees bent to a 90-degree angle and feet lifted. Tighten your abs as you inhale and lift arms up and over head. Exhale and swing arms forward, straightening legs so your body forms a V. If needed, put hands on the floor for support. Roll down slowly, bending knees and bringing arms overhead. Pause at the top before exhaling and lowering into the original position. For an added bonus, lower and lift your legs for 3 pulses while you are at the top before returning to the original position.

Advanced: Lie on your back with your arms and legs fully extended. Tighten your abs as you inhale, lifting your arms overhead and legs straight up simultaneously into that v sit. For an added bonus, lower and lift your legs for 3 pulses while you are at the top before returning to the original position. That’s one rep.

(this is the best picture I could find)

You can incorporate these moves into other workouts you’re doing, or you can combine them all together for a mini workout of their own. I’ve outlined one for you below.

Friday, February 21, 2014

I’ve been divorced four times, but homosexuals are the ones destroying marriage

Last night, someone emailed and asked me to write about the gay marriage case in Virginia. This morning, a woman from Wisconsin asked if I would blog about the gay marriage case in her state. A few readers in Utah have also requested that I chime in on the gay marriage fight there.

And so I was going to do just that. I sat down to type a scathing rant about gay marriage. I sat down to tell the world that gay marriage is the greatest threat to the sanctity of marriage.

But then I remembered this:

That’s a sign I saw on the side of the road a little while back. Divorce for sale! Only 129 dollars! Get ‘em while they’re hot!

And then I remembered an article I read last week about the new phenomenon of “divorce parties.” Divorced is the new single, the divorce party planner tells us.

And then I remembered another article claiming that the divorce rate is climbing because the economy is recovering. Now that things are getting a little better, we can finally splurge on that divorce we’ve always wanted!

And then I remembered that – ebbs and flows notwithstanding – there is one divorce every 13 seconds, or over 46,000 divorces a week in this country. And then I remembered that, although the “50 percent of marriages end in divorce” statistic can be misleading, we’re still in a situation where there are half as many divorces as there are marriages in a single year.

And then I remembered no-fault divorce. I remembered that marriage is the ONLY LEGAL CONTRACT A PERSON CAN BREAK WITHOUT THE OTHER PARTY’S CONSENT AND WITHOUT FACING ANY LEGAL REPERCUSSIONS.

Sorry to scream at you.

But I remembered that marriage has for decades been, from a legal perspective, the least meaningful, least stable, and least protected contract in existence, and I think this fact should be emphasized.

And then I remembered how many Christian churches gave up on marriage long ago, allowing their flock to divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry, and each time permitting the charade of “vows” to take place on their altars. And then I remembered that churches CAN lower the divorce rate simply by taking a consistent position on it — which is why practicing Catholics are significantly less likely to break up — but many refuse because they are cowards begging for the world’s approval.

And then I remembered that over 40 percent of America’s children are growing up without a father in the home. And then I remembered that close to half of all children will witness the breakdown of their parent’s marriage. Half of that half will also have the pleasure of watching a second marriage fall apart.

And then I remembered that more and more young people are opting out of marriage because the previous generation was so bad at it that they’ve scared their kids away from the institution entirely.

I remembered all of these things, and I decided to instead write about the most urgent threat to the sanctity of marriage.

Divorce.

Divorces are as common as flat tires, and they often happen for reasons nearly as frivolous.

The institution of marriage is crumbling beneath us; it’s under attack, it’s mortally wounded, it’s sprawled out on the pavement with bullet wounds in its back, coughing up blood and gasping for breath. And guess who did this? It wasn’t Perez Hilton or Elton John, I can tell you that.

This is the work of divorce.

I am an opponent of gay marriage, but we here in the “sanctity of marriage” camp are tragically too afraid to approach the thing that is destroying marriage faster than anything else ever could. Gay marriage removes from marriage its procreative characteristic, but rampant divorce takes away its permanent characteristic. It makes no sense to concentrate all of our energy on the former while all but ignoring the latter.

To make matters worse, some of the loudest mouth pieces for “traditional marriage” in media and politics are bigamists, adulterers, and men with two, three, or four ex-wives. It’s not that you can’t defend the sanctity of marriage when you have been divorced multiple times, it’s just that you have zero credibility on the subject.

If you beat and abuse your children so badly that they have to be removed from you, you could, I suppose, still complain if you found out that your kids are also being mistreated in their foster home. But your anger must first be directed at yourself, because it is YOUR FAULT that they are suffering in this way.

So whose fault is it that the institution of marriage is beaten and broken? I don’t think we want to contemplate that question, for fear that we might see ourselves in the answer.

Should laws be written to “defend marriage”? Sure, and let’s start with legislation to make divorces at least somewhat harder to obtain than a magazine subscription. How serious are we about this? Anyone up for a law to criminalize adultery? What about putting some restrictions on re-marriage?

There are certainly times when a couple has no choice but to go their separate ways. What else can you do in cases of serial abuse or serial adultery, or when one party simply abandons the other? But infidelity and abuse do not explain the majority of divorces in this country, and they are not the leading causes of break-ups. According to these “experts,” the top causes of divorce are a lack of individual identity, “getting into it for the wrong reasons,” and “becoming lost in the roles.” A survey done by the National Fatherhood Institute found lack of communication, and finances to be the leading culprits. An article in The Examiner also cites finances as the most potent divorce-fuel.

In other words, these days marriages can be blown apart by the slightest gust of wind, coming from any direction, and for any reason. Noticeably absent from all of these polls about the reasons for divorce: gay marriage.

That’s because gay marriage is not the biggest threat to marriage.

We are.

We are, when we vow on our very souls to stand by someone for the rest of our lives, until death do us part, only to let financial troubles and communication difficulties dissolve that union we forged before God. We are, when we forget about those Biblical readings we picked out for our wedding service:

My lover belongs to me and I to him.
He says to me:
“Set me as a seal on your heart,
as a seal on your arm;
For stern as death is love,
relentless as the nether world is devotion;
its flames are a blazing fire.
Deep waters cannot quench love,
nor floods sweep it away.”

For stern as death is love.

When we marry, we die. Our old selves die, and we are born anew into each other; into the unbreakable marital bond.

We are a threat to the sanctity of marriage when we let our selfishness fool us into thinking that our wedding vows weren’t that serious.

Indeed, despite popular sentiment, they were serious. They are serious. They’re as serious as death.

The struggle to protect marriage is also serious. It’s an important battle.

So maybe it’s time we actually start fighting it.

*NOTE. To answer your questions: no, I have not actually been divorced four times. I’ve been married once. The title was tongue-in-cheek. I was writing it from the perspective of the sorts of people who rant about the sanctity of marriage, yet have racked up multiple ex-spouses. Perhaps I should have been more clear about this. In any case, there it is. I appreciate your concern.